ACCEPTANCE: IT ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK

There is a movement more accurately, toward radical acceptance, focusing on gratitude, and resonating with the positive. And with good reason: it works. People are improving their quality of life as a result of these techniques. It begins with acceptance, which probably isn’t what you think. Acceptance has been a key to happiness since Buddhism was born. The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism (of The Four Noble Truths) is that “desire (or craving) is the root of all suffering”. This is interpreted as wanting reality to be anything but what it is; in other words, a lack of acceptance. It is imperative to note that acceptance has been a cornerstone of the 12 Step treatment for alcoholism since the first “Alcoholics Anonymous” book was written in 1939.  Often when I discuss acceptance with students like my humble self, a common argument is put forth: “Acceptance is no good. It is passive and accepting things as they are is giving up. It is resignation to something unpalatable.” But that is not the real meaning of acceptance. There is no better explanation than Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in, “Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World through Mindfulness”: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is- especially when you don’t like it-and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” (p.407). In other words, desiring the world to be something it is not at the moment is stopped and ruminating thoughts about how things “should be” are put aside. Then change what can be changed.

Acceptance helps reduce what people experience as negative. That is only half of the solution to improving one’s quality of life, however. It has been purported that it takes five positive experiences to counter one negative or, more generally, your brain responds to positive events like Teflon and to negative ones like Velcro. So, the new goal is to allow the positive to resonate, to be prolonged, not in a desperate grasping fashion, but instead through mindfulness and allowing it to permeate one’s attention. This helps counter the balance, and swing experience to the positive. In “The Mindful Way Through Depression” a suggestion is made to note things you enjoy while going through your day. This all relates to slowing down and resonating with enjoyable moments, rather than running from one thing to the next.

There might be things hampering you from doing the suggestions in this post. In a post called, “Why Don’t You Want To Feel Better” I point to the reasons people do not act on the information that is out there to feel better. I focus on defense mechanisms, how change is strenuous work and often staying the same is easier (even if painful) and how some create the meaning of their life from suffering. One might want to refer there if having difficulty implementing the changes suggested above. For some, the word grateful might be off-putting. I actually prefer the word appreciate. It is easily substituted. For a minute think about what you appreciate. Slow your life down, and appreciate all that you have. Even in the worst scenarios there can be appreciation. A shower. A sunset. The taste of your favorite food. Good conversation. Love of family. That feeling when you first lay down in bed after an exhausting day. The list is inexhaustible.

This makes it more likely to occur in the future. As neuropsychologists are fond of saying, “Neurons that fire together, wire together”. Over time, you’ll find yourself happier, calmer, and experiencing more joy. Have a nice week ahead.